


Safest Place in the Wizarding World

by Flabbyknight



Series: HP Stories [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 20:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20880317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: Harry wants to transfer to a different school.





	Safest Place in the Wizarding World

Dumbledore sat at his desk merrily humming to himself as he read over the various school reports, when Harry Potter burst in to his office, shouting, "I want to transfer out of this death trap of a school right now!"

Dumbledore blinked and opened a drawer, pulling out the appropriate transfer papers and said, "While I certainly won't stop you from doing so Harry, I feel like you are making a mistake. Hogwarts is the finest and safest school in the wizarding world and no other school can compare."

Harry gave a derisive snort. "Yeah, I don't buy that bullshit for a second. In the six years that I have been here I have been attacked by a troll, Voldemort, devil snare, giant spiders, Gilderoy Lockhart, Voldemort again, a Basilisk, dementors, a werewolf, a dragon, grindylows, Voldemort, a Death Eater, and Umbridge."

Dumbledore blinked and said in surprise, "Only that many near death experiences? I forgot how safe the school has gotten in the past few decades."

Harry opened and closed his mouth before blurting out, "It used to be worse?!"

"Oh my yes. Why when I was a lad I believe that only a quarter of the first years made it to second year alive. It took a great deal of effort but I manage to lower it to a death every few years. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but that is why many say I am the greatest Headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen."

Harry just stared at him before saying, "Okay maybe it's safe compared to before, but the classes here are terrible. Half of them don't even teach me anything! History is a joke, Defense is so inconsistent I had to teach myself, Potions is such an abusive environment nobody learns anything, Divinations can't actually be taught, and no offense to Hagrid but his class is either boring or a death trap."

Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought. "Hmm that is true, I did manage to get half the teaching staff to teach, didn't I? Go me. When Dippet was in charge only Horace and I actual taught our subjects. The rest mostly got drunk and ran illegal fight clubs using the students. 

"So maybe Hogwarts is less terrible than it used to be, but it is still terrible and I want out," Harry demanded.

Dumbledore shrugged. "Well if you are sure, where do you want to go then?"

Harry said, "I was think Beauxbaton. I have been learning French for just the occasion."

Dumbledore paused before saying, "I wouldn't do that if I were you Harry. You see unlike me, they still allow their staff to torture their students. Dippet employed Filch as the school's torturer, but after I took over, I got rid of the position, since I felt it was barbaric. When I scrapped the position I had to make him the caretaker since he had tenure and I couldn't fire him."

Harry balked, "I thought that France would be more progressive than Britain for some reason."

Dumbledore shook his head. "Harry, you'll find that Britain is the most progressive wizarding government in the world. Why, it is illegal to kill Muggles for sport here. While it did take me a good two decades to get that through, plus dozens of favors, I pulled it off."

"People here don't even understand what electricity is! Surely the Americans are better than that?" Harry argued.

Dumbledore gave a long hearty laugh. "The Death Eaters are positively muggle lovers compared to the Americans. They take blood purity to a whole other level. They believe that all non-white wizards and non-pureblood must be hunted down and killed. You would be dead the moment you crossed the border. So next school?"

"Uh, Japan?" Harry asked.

Tears appeared in Dumbledore's eyes and he whispered, "Please Harry, never mention that place again." He shuddered. "So many tentacles."

Harry hesitated before he asked, "Nicaragua?"

Dumbledore vomited all over his desk and curled up into a ball and started screaming and wouldn't stop.

"I'm just going to show myself out," Harry said. Maybe Hogwarts wasn't so bad.

**Author's Note:**

> We have all seen plenty of fanfic taking about how backwards Britain is compared to the rest of the wizarding world. I thought it would be funny that the canon assertion that Hogwarts was the safest and best school in the world was true because everywhere was even worse.


End file.
